100 word challenge #22

June15

As I played my yellow violin, my brother yelled I have eaten your birthday cake. I ran to he kitchen and he hadn’t eaten my birthday cake he just wanted me to stop playing my violin. I ran to mum to tell her what he did and as I went passed the door it swept open. There was a strong gust of wind pulling me outside and  it pulled me into what looked like an airplane but inside it was a spaceship. the aliens put me in this thing and said  “two, one” and then pressed a button I think they gave me a cat body but I felt lifeless.

My goal was to use show not tell. I think I used that when I said she was lifeless instead a using the word dead. I would like to use it more often because my story has a better understanding.

by posted under 100WC | 2 Comments »    
2 Comments to

“100 word challenge #22”

  1. June 19th, 2016 at 11:33 pm      Reply chiara2014 Says:

    I liked the way you used the word lifeless instead of “dead” or “I died” because most of your other 100 word challenges have that kind of ending. Something you should work on is your punctuation because when the character’s brother yells I think that should have quotation marks and to used a capital after a full stop. I also liked how you described the wind as a “strong gust”.


  2. June 22nd, 2016 at 12:14 am      Reply luca2013 Says:

    Hello lilly I like how you tricked the reader by saying your brother ate your birthday cake so the reader thought your birthday cake has been eaten by your brother. But then you check if it has been eaten and find out that your brother tricked you. I think you ollowed your goal well and something you need to improve on is double or triple checking your work for spelling or grammar mistakes.


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